An Open Book
by JeeSun
Summary: “CJ, you’ve always been running and no man has been able to stop you. Not even me.”


**Title: **An Open Book

**Author: **JeeSun

**Summary: **"CJ, you've always been running and no man has been able to stop you. Not even me."

**Category:** Angst, CJ/Toby 

**Spoilers: **Season 4

**Feedback:** Is very appreciated, at jee__sun@hotmail.com

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. 

**Archive: **Just let me know.

**Note: **Thanks to Angie for beta-reading this and coming with suggestions and opinions.  

~*~¤~*~

She hesitates before she opens the door. Not because it's the middle of the night - last time she checked it was 2 a.m. - she hesitates because she knows who's standing on the other side and she's not sure she's ready to face him. 

As she moves her hand away from the doorknob, he knocks loudly  and she almost jumps. She sighs and opens the door. She doesn't say anything, just steps aside to let him in. She knows that Mrs. Johansen across the hall is looking at them through the peephole and she can't help glaring at her neighbor's closed door. 

He's already sitting on her couch, his hands clasped together between his knees. He isn't drunk, but he has been drinking. She can't smell it, but she knows. She knows because he can only handle a confrontation with her when he's been drinking. Maybe she should get something to drink too. She stands behind the chair and looks at him, expecting him to say something. He looks back, expecting the same from her. 

After a moment of silence that feels like an hour, he waves his right hand in the air and wipes it over his forehead, before returning it to its previous position. He looks up at her. 

"It's been four days now." 

"Yes, it has," she says simply.

He looks sharply at her and she knows he's angry at how easily she speaks, at how she seems unaffected by it. But it has affected her, more than he'll ever know; because she will never tell him and although he thinks he can read her like a book, he can't.

He shrugs. "I want to know what's going on here. Are we a couple or are we friends? Are we even that?"

It's her turn to shrug. She puts her arms around her body as protection and all the power and confidence she feels and shows in the press room is gone. 

"I don't know," she whispers. 

"CJ, you came to me." He does his best to sound angry and harsh, but the sadness is evident in his voice. "You came to me," he repeats. 

She bites her lower lip and shifts her weight from one foot to the other. But she doesn't say anything, she can't explain this. How can she explain something to him she doesn't even understand herself?

"I'm not even sure what happened that night. I thought you were with John, and then you showed up on my doorstep." 

"John and I were through. I broke up with him." 

He raises an eyebrow. "Like real couples do?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asks, her confusion evident.

He looks away. "Nothing, I didn't mean anything."

She walks around the chair and looks down at him. "Toby, tell me what you meant!"

"I was just curious because you're 42 years old and the longest relationship you've had lasted two months." 

She looks away, because he's starting to come a bit too close to the truth now. 

"From what I know, you usually leave a note telling them it doesn't work any longer. Except, that is, for those you have to see everyday, and those people you ignore instead."

He says the last sadly and softly. She knows she's hurting him when she acts like this but she knows that however much she tries, she won't change. She won't cry in front of him either, and anger takes over. 

"People? You're talking like I've been with hundreds of men, Toby! I've only been with…"

"I don't want to know the number," he interrupts. 

"Yeah, okay. Whatever." She sits down in the chair. 

"The thing is. . . I'm not going to play this game with you anymore, CJ. You've done it to me too many times. You did it before I was married to Andi, and while I was married to Andi, and I haven't even counted the times since we took office." 

"Are you blaming me for your failed marriage?" She snorts.

He shakes his head. "No, I'm just saying that… Before I met Andi, CJ, you wouldn't move in with me, wouldn't commit to our relationship so I felt I had to leave you. I don't know, maybe that   
time it was the age difference. Then when I met Andi and I married her, all of a sudden you showed an interest again and I believed that you had changed. But after the divorce, you ran away again. CJ, you've always been running and no man has been able to stop you. Not even me." He sighs and looks at her. "I'm not blaming you for the divorce. That was my fault. And it's my fault that I'm gullible and naïve when it comes to you. Even though I know what will happen, I keep falling into the same trap."

"So, what are you saying?" She asks, and does her best to not show she's going to burst into tears any minute now. 

"I'm saying that this is the last time. I'm saying that I'll be a father in a month. I'm saying that I'm going to try to get Andi to marry me again. And I'm saying that this time you won't ruin it."

She goes out in the kitchen and comes back with a glass of wine. Her hand is shaking as she moves the glass up to her mouth. 

"Toby, I haven't done anything wrong here." 

"I'm not saying you have. This is who you are and I've finally accepted that." 

She can't resist the urge to ask. "So, tell me, Toby Ziegler, who am I?" 

He sighs and raises an eyebrow to ask if she's sure. 

"Go ahead!" She says harshly. 

"CJ, at work you're a magnificent woman who has everyone looking at you with complete admiration. You'll never be as good at anything else. I've never seen any press secretary that the press corps like and respect as much as you. You're beautiful, strong and intelligent." 

She sips her wine, waiting for him to continue. What he's just told her wasn't what she wanted to hear. She's more interested in what will come next. 

He rubs his forehead and avoids looking at her. He knows this will hurt her, but thinks that maybe it's necessary. Sooner or later someone will tell her and even though he's upset with her now, he loves her too much to let someone else say it. He's not sure anyone else could . . .

"But when you're not at work, and no one can see you, you're still that frightened, insecure teenager that was bullied in school." 

It hurts to hear him say it and she swallows the lump in her throat.

"You're still the girl who's afraid of everything. You're afraid that if you trust someone fully he'll let you down and leave you. You don't trust anyone except yourself. You don't even trust your own family. You're not sure whether what they're telling you is true or not. You're afraid of letting people come too close, of letting them know the real you. You're afraid of growing old alone and you're afraid because you know that's what's going to happen since you keep pushing away anyone who's important to you. But most of all, you're afraid of intimacy and love. You don't think that someone can love you just because you're you. If I told you I loved you, you wouldn't believe me because you think I'm saying it because I want to sleep with you."

She's crying now. She doesn't even bother to wipe away the tears that are running down her cheeks. She wants to tell him that it's not true, but she can't. Something inside her stops her. He thinks she's crying because of what he told her, but she knows she isn't. She's crying because she knows she has lost him and that this time it's for real.

When he walks past her he can't resist the urge to brush the back of his hand against her cheek. 

He sighs. "I think this could have been good, CJ. I mean something really good." His voice is soft and sad. 

A few seconds later she hears him close the door carefully behind him. Maybe he can read her like a book after all. 

**End.**

2003-04-22   


End file.
